Back to reality!

Enough of my excitement...back to reality... Juz read william's blog post on Love...interesting post!! I alwaz wondered wat it realli meant by love...and a sudden thought struck me(tink it sounds weird)

Lotz
Of
Varying
Emotions

i thot this was pretty true to be loved & when loving sum1...at times u feel happy & loved, at others u juz feel ur whole world crashing down on you and all u can tink of is letting loose of tat 'water tap' on ur face!!!

ESpecially in tough time like now...i'm neither here nor there...one loves me alot alot, the other not knowing wat's going on, and me feeling the pain both from the love i'm receiving & the love i am trying to give...haiz...I'm not good at telling pple my feelings coz i feel it's a burden to them...so wat am i?my frens say i shldnt bottle up everything, but i juz cant help it....
I so wanna noe if the HE tat i likes, likes me too...though i tink it's prob not goin to happen...let god decide if tat;s goin to take place then.I wish so much tat i cld go away to sumwhere peaceful to think bout things...no distraction, NUTHING!!!

Char, alex, i so envy you pple...i hoped so much i was there where u r at this point...made me recall sum speaker who came to sch to speak to us during my sec days...i cant remember wat it was for though, sumthing like an analysis of the position of each child in the family (mainly 1st child, 2nd & so on...)This was wat he said:"the 3rd child of the family likes venturing overseas, dun let them go overseas, they will nv wanna return". Obviously it's abt me...me being the youngest & 3rd child of the family.

Ask me y i remembered this so clearly...I REALLY alwaz wanna go overseas be it to study or stay there for good...I duno y...i juz love being abroad esp down under!!!Beautiful place...no traffic jams...greeneries everywhere.I believe bein in a foreign environment,wld help me to find myself...coz alone overseas alot of things have to decide on my own & stuff no more maid to do for me... I ever wondered, was it this that i told my mum, tat she nv realli like the idea of me leaving them & spore...i mean apart frm the fact that i fall sick quite easily...haha. I will come back coz that's where my family is.

Owell...now tat in a few mths time, i'll be graduating...shld start looking for a job...However, this dream still lingers in my mind...When i was 16, mum says if i cant go to jc, then i go overseas to continue my studies...but ah i made it & here spore i stayed! Now that i'm almost 22, i still dream of tat wonderful place...hope in 2-3yrs down the working world, i wld ve saved enough $$ to leave to further my studies. Mabbe new place, broader view of the world, pple,relationships??

When will tat day cum?I'm truly looking fwd to tat day...although the thot of not being able to be w my family makes me wanna cry...but i wanna brave it thru'!!!wish me luck!!!

Okae lah...i kinda 'vomited' so much today...so much thoughts today...goin to read my bible & off to bed...wanna get up early to study tmr morning!!!

Back sooner than i thot i will lor...hahah...yeah!

I made it again!!!yeah!

The long awaited day has arrived!!! Results day...

It was amazing. Results supposed to be out only at 4pm but it was out at 12noon...Mabbe sumthin went wrong with the British clock...hahah. 'it' was staring at my face & i thot it was juz a reminder tat results will goin to be released in the afternn...but NO...it was the REAL THING!!! I was taken aback...shocked...rubbed my eyes to make sure i saw correctly..crap...and i looked at it again to make sure i didnt see wrongly....but no, I PASSED both papers i took in dec...woah ho...

Incredible...P9 was taxation(expected to pass) & P5 was managing pple and systems(thot to fail coz none of wat i studied came out in the paper!!!) Ah...went into the exam hall last dec feeling prepared for this paper, onli to come of it feeling crap!! I 'smoked' my way thru' tat paper for a whole 1 & 1/2 hrs when it was meant to be a 3 hrs paper...u can imagine how much i had to write!!-frightened-seeing those pple ard me scribbling away on their ans booklet...I prayed to god for help for a clear mind to tink of the possible rational things to write..

But wateva...i PASSED!!!! excited...i juz cldnt contain myself...i had to tell sumone!! though it's onli 1 mark past the passing grade, i am still glad...I skipped this paper once last june & thus wasted 35pounds. Till now, i still cant believe it...with 6 papers down in total, left with 3 more to go!!

Was tinking if i cld try to finish up the last 3 papers in June, but hmm...ambitious! Sufficient time to study, but owell...-scratch head & act blur- rabbito can get pretty lazy at times....or is it everytime?! see how it goes...prob try to see if i cld squeeze at least 1 of the paper's intensive revision classes into my timetable....hmm....

feeling better!

i'm feeling much better today, thank god! especially after havin slept for whole 3 hrs yesterday afternn, and almst 9 hrs last nite...hahah...

Finalli, i'm getting to studying for my mid-terms...was abt the reform movt carried out by the guan xu emperor (aka 'child emperor'), but it collapsed after a total of 103days, so as the prof mentioned in class, u can imagine how effective the reform was...owell...

Then some uprising known as the boxer uprising...sumthin to do with a religious belief and also triggered by the unfortunate sufferings of the pple in rural north china... shows how tragedies caused pple to generate resentment towards the bureacracy...haiz... how dramatic can china be man??! But it;s interesting learning abt it!

oh btw, thks ah yee & mag for ur encouragement...dun worrie bout me...I'll SURVIVE!!!! Jia You for me k. okie...gtg now...goin out for a drink sumwhere...yup yup

Rabbito will be back strong & biting again!

Numb!Unsettled!Restless!

This is the duno how many millionth time i'm listening to the superstar winner kelvin Tan's CD... I totally love it...got lots of feelings in the way he sings the songs... Some of which describe how i feel right now!

Ai Hen Nan:

Zhi shi ai ni ye nan hen ni ye nan
Ke she de mian qiang
guo jing qian fang ye xu yi wang
wo bei shang de bei shang

Tian mei you ke neng zhai liang
jian jian yi xi huan zhe hei se de jue wang
ming tian wo bu yong qi pan
jin jin bao zhu wo gei wo ni de wen nuan


I can tell no one how i feel deep inside, coz i myself cant even tell myself how i'm feeling lor... it's juz so miserable n numb!! Whu can tell me wat to do? I prayed to God for help, he sent me a dream of him & HIM... it was weird...was it trying to tell me sumthing?? I realli have no idea... (him - bf?; HIM - secret person)

I so badly wanna escape the feelings, the thoughts, the people, but where can i escape to? I noe there's lotz to do, but i cant seem to find a distinctive starting point... buck up gal!!!!

Confused?Dilemma?Exhausted?

It's been a while since i last written an entry. Been rather busy lately coz of the vday flower thingy, but finalli it's all over... Ah so exhausted... we missed our dinner by the sea coz of the delayed deliveries, so we ended up havin dinner at harborfront coffee club!

Watching all the gals whu were surprised by our delivery, duno y suddenly this sense of sadness overwhelmed me... 4yrs plus together, it's already our 5th valentine;s day together...but we havent realli had a veri proper vday spent together. Our 1st spent with our frends & gp of juniors, the 2nd we quarrelled coz he had fieldcamp so we cldnt spend it together, the 3rd i cooked at hme so guess tat was alrite, the 4th i had class till late, so didnt go out & yesterday the 5th spent sending flowers round the island!!! Supposedly a special day for all couples, but guess we nv realli had the special day everybody else enjoys...

Some pple may say it's not tat an important day if both of us are happy together every other day...am i being veri superficial over sumthing like tat??

He & i have been together for 4 yrs 7mths + liao, but today i finalli told him how i felt... we kinda 'broke up' to give me and hopefully him some time to tink over my own emotions and our relationship! I like someone else, and i like him veri much! I'm struggling... It's unfair to him, and i noe he's upset.... I asked for 1mth to tink things thru', if i still love him & the relationship!:(

I realli hope this whole mth will be a gd time for me to sort out my thoughts & also take this time to concentrate on my studies...have been neglecting it coz of CNY & vday!

Haiz...i cried today...and my eyes hurt so much now... thks dear for understanding wat i'm goin thru' now & for willingly giving me the time i want...owell...shall blog till here today...so tired & i need to sleep!!!

Be back soon!!

New year!!! Yeah!

Been almost 2 wks since i last wrote an entry... Hmm...today is the 4th day of chinese new yr leh... Had quite a busy new yr lor...with visitings & also visits frm relatives to my own home...Ah ah sure kept me rather busy though!

Owelll....but quite sian lor...there was nuthing else to eat except cooking at hme & FAST FOOD...I cant believe it...3 consecutive days & had at least 1 meal of mcdonalds...woah! how fattening sia! Haiz

yup yup...but got ang bao...hee hee... Aniwei, now tat public hols are over, it's back to school & bks again oh...muz jia you oh...though onli 4th wk of sch, but guess it's gonna get busier lor...

Oh today also him & i's 4 yrs & 7 mths anniversary leh!!!! Wah so long liao hor...but still got unhappiness with each other sumtimes lor...especially over the smu thingy... haiz...but at least it's okae lah...see how lah

Aniwei, shall stop here today...will be back to blog again soon!!!